Author: Beatriz Nicolau (Page 1 of 2)

Beatriz Nicolau is a consultant, coach and facilitator with over 20 years of experience in the areas of organizational and leadership development, coaching, talent management, executive search, employee engagement, and performance management.

Consciousness and Agility are key qualities in turbulent times

IMAGE: Klaus Leopold Reality x Plan: why are they always different?

We are living in turbulent times. Though the advancements of technology and digitalization can eliminate barriers between countries, economies, and people, they can also cause massive disruption. And though we are nearing recovery from an unprecedented pandemic, global trade and businesses have been affected by the recent war in Ukraine. In these times of chaos, we are required to develop dynamic and agile strategies to support constant change.

We have seen individuals and entities worldwide joining forces to support important causes related to diversity and inclusion (i.e. “Black lives matter,” gender equality, etc.). In addition, the development of ESG (Environmental, Social and Governance) Standards enable institutions to create sustainable change, as it supports them in making more conscious decisions that generate a positive impact beyond financial performance.

However, as we fall upon more turbulent times, leaders may become less conscious, as they need to make decisions by focusing on short-term gains and objectives. While in a crisis, they may ignore the complexity of the environment or pay less attention to stakeholders and their different needs. Moreover, collaboration and empathy become less present in time sensitive decision-making, leading to poor results.

Any resemblance to what is happening in Ukraine is not a coincidence. This is precisely what we are seeing right now.

What does any of this have to do with Agility or being Agile? Everything.

More than ever, the world calls us to be Agile. Agile in our decision-making process and ability to act as the war unfolds, and we see an immediate impact on countries, markets, and industries. Gas prices, trading agreements, stock markets, and export/import businesses are quickly impacted by what’s happening in different parts of the world.

As Klaus Schwab, Executive Chairman of the World Economic Forum, states, “In the new world, it is not the big fish which eats the small fish, it’s the fast fish which eats the slow fish.”

It doesn’t make sense to plan our actions in advance in a dynamic world because things are going to change. Continuous planning seems like a better alternative, and it helps us solve the problems of the 21st century.

In essence, being Agile means that we have the knowledge and mindset to address four key drivers: Continuous Improvement, Short Cycles, Growth Mindset (for ongoing learning), and Focus on the next most important thing.

The more challenging the situation, and the more complex the problem, the more relevant Agility becomes. In times of crisis, we need to maintain high-performance levels, bring people together, maintain a positive environment and ensure our values are present in holding our culture. Therefore, we are asked, individually and collectively, to be dynamic, alert, adaptable, and agile.

That means we may not be able to plan for the next ten years but only for the next six months. We still have a Purpose and long-term vision, but our strategies and plans need to be executed and revisited in short cycles. We need to learn from the previous cycle and quickly adapt so the next one can be better.

In other words, when you’re in need of driving directions, would you rather use a GPS service such as the Waze App, or an “old” paper map? The online map is dynamic, changes routes as traffic situations change and provides updates on what’s happening at the moment. And in real-time, it provides us with the most updated best route that will take us to the destination in less time. Waze is agile.

We invite you to reflect on how agile you are choosing to be during these times – as a leader, member of your community, and organization. Because we know we are always at choice.

How conscious are your decisions being made? How quickly can you learn and change your routes? How is your mindset, in a fixed or growth mode?

We talk about the mindset with the belief that it is one of the most important factors in the Agile process. Because when we develop a growth mindset, we can re-think, re-learn, and respond to what makes the most sense at that moment (in that cycle). And when we do, we are able to continuously improve, generate a positive impact on people and organizations, and move to a place of more creativity, innovation, and broader thinking.

As George Bernard Shaw states, “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything”.

In the current context of war and global crisis, a new leadership mindset is crucial – including more conscious decisions and agile practices – to enable progress and change.

Co-Authors: Beatriz A. Nicolau, Marcos Garrido

The Transformative Power of Hard Truths – For Adults and Children Alike

This is a story about how much we can learn from our children: about the transformative power of looking deeply into what they say; exploring their reactions and emotions to daily experiences; and about how we can learn to be authentic, vulnerable, and infuse our lives with curiosity. This is also a story about “readiness” in the face of hard truths.

Last month, I was at a restaurant with my family when my 7-year-old daughter, Isabella turned to me and asked: “Mom, are tooth fairies real or are parents the ones who leave money under our pillows when we leave our tooth for the fairy at night?” I was taken aback, not expecting that question to come up at her age. Undeterred, Isabella continued: “That’s what my friend told me, and most girls did not believe her.” I was quiet for a moment. She looked deep into my eyes and said: “Please mom, I want the truth now.” 

The conviction in Isabella’s voice let me know she was ready for the truth. I looked at my husband, who gave me the go-ahead. I proceeded to tell her, in the most caring and loving way I could: “Yes, that’s right. We are the tooth fairies.” I noticed her mind working and imagined she was reflecting on those times when she woke up and found a couple of dollars under her pillow, or received drawings and messages from the tooth fairy by her bed in the morning. Connecting the dots, Isabella remarked: “Oh, so on that day when I got that big pink heart, it was actually you, mom? And when I was at grandma’s house and my tooth fell out, she did the same thing… and so did my aunt a few times too?” Her eyes were shinning, as if a window of truth and discovery had opened up for her. But I could also see some disappointment in those beautiful brown eyes.

Once we were in the car and driving back home, Isabella said: “Mom, tell me more truths. I want to know them all.” Curious about what had triggered this, my mind worked through a series of assumptions: was she ready to know more, curious, or just testing me? Gathering my thoughts, I said: “There is nothing else baby, you know it all.” She quickly replied: “What about Santa Claus and the elves, are they real?”

Santa Claus visiting our home on Christmas Eve – Dec 24th, 2018

I looked at my husband and quickly responded: “Yes, they are real, didn’t Santa come to our home last Christmas Eve?” She quickly answered: “Yes, but I noticed his pants dropping, which means he had a costume on.” I said: “Well, he has a body under his clothes like everybody else, Isa.” After she insisted several more times, I believed that she was ready for the truth. Eventually, I explained: “That’s right, Isa; Santa Claus is not ‘real.’ A person dresses up like that on Christmas to bring us happiness and joy, to create a beautiful fantasy for all of us, especially for kids.” She opened her mouth in shock: “Wow, mom.” 

At that moment, I realized Isabella would no longer experience the magic of these childhood beliefs. 

It was hard for her and it was hard for me. 

The next day, the first thing Isabella told me when she woke up was: “Mom, I am so sad about Santa.” We hugged and stayed silent for a while. I told her that we can always keep the magic and beliefs of what we want inside of us, in our hearts – that the story makes the entire celebration and season more fun, fulfilling, and joyful.

After we went about our days, I did some online research about the average age kids find out about Santa (which, it turns out, is around 8-9 years old). I felt guilty for having shared that with Isabella at her age. This motivated me to come up with a new perspective to share with her, and it also helped me to come to a better place as a mother.

I broached the subject by asking Isabella how she wanted to celebrate Christmas from that point on. We agreed that, starting this year, she will be my partner in helping to keep the fantasy of Santa and the elves going for her younger brother, Lucas and other children who are not yet ready for the truth. We talked about how she could help me to prepare the house for Santa and sneak money under Lucas’ pillow once he starts losing his teeth. As we talked about various scenarios, I noticed a shift occur; there was a different shine in Isabella’s eyes. She seemed stronger, more grown up, confident, and empowered to help me create similar fantasies to what she had experienced. She promised me that she would not share what she had learned with younger kids, and to hold the beauty of these fantasies within her heart. Moments later, we moved on. What had initially seemed to be a loss and the cause of pain was transformed into something fun she looked forward to.

This is but one of many learning experiences I have had thanks to my children. Some of my greatest lessons have not come from textbooks, but rather engaging deeply in my experiences, having meaningful conversations with my friends and loved ones, and observing, listening, and being present. Kids have the sensibility to feel, sense, and speak up when they need to. In fact, most children express their needs from a place that is free of fear and barriers about what other people might think about them. In a word: they are egoless.  

Isabella showed me that we are responsible for the narratives that shape our lives and those of others. This is a core concept of leadership. We are responsible for identifying the time that feels right to face the truth within ourselves, to uncover what’s hidden, and discover both our light and shadow. That is the place for vulnerability and growth, the place that nudges us to ask for help without shame or guilt. This story also reaffirmed how remarkable it is to shift perspective from something that no longer serves us to a better place, where we can find happiness and fulfillment in the purity and simplicity of the truth.

Career changes come with losses, but they present tremendous opportunities to grow

While it’s true that career changes come with losses, they also present tremendous opportunities to push past your comfort zone and work through your fears. Over the past few years, most of the people I have worked with in my capacity as a career coach have transitioned into a new organization, field, role, or entrepreneurial venture that they considered “better.” I have worked with: 

  • lawyers who left large firms to start their own businesses in different segments; 
  • financial services professionals who shifted industries at mid-career; 
  • women who took a few years to be stay-at-home moms prior to returning to corporate roles; 
  • individuals who moved countries and took a step back in their careers, but were able to grow significantly over time; and
  • professionals who switched companies within the same industry after going through restructuring initiatives, and found more fulfillment in a different organization and team. 

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics (August 2019), “individuals held an average of 12.3 jobs from ages 18 to 52, with nearly half of these jobs held before age 25.” Other studies on career management suggest that the average person will change careers 5-7 times during their working life, and approximately 30% of the total workforce will change jobs every 12 months.

As a case in point, the award-winning film Bohemian Rhapsodyrevealed some of Freddie Mercury’s decisions and qualities that led the band to their extraordinary success, including his self-confidence, trust in his abilities, clear vision, and the single-minded focus and dedication to realize that vision. Of course, talent played a critical part in their journey! After all, the band faced challenges, criticism, and rejections along the way to their success. 

Freddie Mercury (1946-1991)

A prime example of maintaining their vision and taking risks occurred when the band needed to sell their van – one of their only assets – to start recording in a studio. Despite his band members’ reservations, it was obvious to Freddie that selling the van was necessary to open up new opportunities. While this represented a significant loss – limiting the band’s ability to travel and perform – it also represented a new beginning. So much so, in fact, that it marked one of their first steps to become the band, Queen. 

This example reminds me of what the ice hockey coach behind an Olympic medal, Herb Brooks once said: “Risk something or forever sit with your dreams.” 

Bearing this story in mind, I invite you to reflect on the greatest risk you have taken in your career. What did you lose with your career change, and what did you gain? What has improved in your life as a result of that change? 

A few months ago, my client John called me to share that he had lost his job. He had been unsatisfied with his work for some time, so we already had wheels in motion for a new job search. But the reality of being “let go” from his company hit him hard and shook his confidence. Uncertainty about what would happen next, how quickly he could secure another job, and his financial situation made him fearful and anxious. Not to mention, the pressure of sharing this news with family and friends was very stressful. 

It’s easy to start questioning our abilities, skills, performance, and judge how good or bad we are based on someone else’s criteria. All kinds of saboteurs (negative internal voices) try to make us believe the worst about ourselves and our circumstances. In that moment, it is critical to exercise self-compassion and self-love by focusing on our strengths, qualities, uniqueness, and the new possibilities ahead. It is equally important to keep in mind that we are not our jobs; we are human beings and we are so much more than the roles or the positions we hold. We are also interconnected with other people and should leverage our relationships in times of recovery. 

It is also worth remembering that – in our current job climate where companies restructure fast and often, where market and consumer needs change constantly, and the digital age advances – any person can lose their job, including very talented individuals. There is no such thing as stability, neither for employees nor entrepreneurs.

According to a 2017 study conducted by McKinsey & Company related to the future of work, by 2030, “globally, up to 375 million may need to switch occupational categories and learn new skills” In other words, becoming too comfortable in a job, area of expertise, or not working towards self-improvement will have an impact on your career, sooner or later. The study concluded that “we will all need creative visions for how our lives are organized and valued in the future, in a world where the role and meaning of work starts to shift.” It stands to reason that diversity, fewer boundaries, mixed generations, and different cultures will continue to be reflected in our workforce. We will need to constantly assess the market to understand the needs, new opportunities, and changes in work-based practices and philosophies that lie ahead.

Ikigai (生き甲斐, pronounced [ikiɡai]) is a Japanese concept that means “a reason for being.” As part of the career change process, we review aspects of this model.

Returning to my client John, he began working on his job search, became more self-aware, acquired new social skills, and learned how to network. He went through the ups and downs of career transitions, just like the rest of us. Importantly, our initial step was to “soul search” (using parts of the the “Ikigai” concept), taking an opportunity to reflect on his passion (what he loves), his strengths and skills (what he’s good at), his purpose, and the things he wanted to achieve through growth and personal development. This constituted a gain, in that it presented an opportunity for John to empower himself to become the protagonist of his own life and career.

After less than three months of hard work and a lot of relationship building, John accepted an offer with a company and was back to work. Of course, this timeframe is well below average. There are many factors that can impact the time it takes to get back to work, such as: the job market, state of the economy, location, candidate’s mobility, professional level (entry, middle-management, or executive), expected compensation, qualifications, network, and the time dedicated to a job search. Understandably, my client’s achievement was an important milestone in his life, and came with lots of positive changes. His new organization is in expansion-mode, meaning he may have growth potential. The role itself is more challenging, with opportunities to develop new skills and capabilities. The new company’s values are also more aligned to his own. On the “losing” side, he had some minor reductions in his benefits and has a longer commute (though he now has the ability to work virtually on occasion). 

It is important to emphasize that we cannot talk about career change without reflecting on our career values (whats is important to me) and career motivations (what drives me). Some questions to ask yourself are: What are the most important things to me right now? What is my current life situation and what do I need the most? What drives me? For example, career motivators can be challenge, or stability, balance, independence, influence, contribution. Alternatively, what are the non-negotiable factors? Where are you willing to be flexible? Because these motivators tend to change throughout your developmental phases, it’s important to re-check them often. Significant life events like a new child, a change of country, and new interests are all factors that can impact what matters to you professionally. This awareness can help you to identify what to pursue in the moment, and guide decisions that “feel right.” 

Finally, I want to acknowledge that career changes can be tough, full of uncertainties and fear. But you always have a choice in the matter; you can choose to go through it as a victim or as a protagonist. You can take the opportunity to learn from past experiences, to reinvent yourself and bring new meaning to your life and career. Freddie Mercury taught us that we can succeed despite setbacks, armed with confidence, self-trust, and the courage to take risks. The world of work is changing and careers are dynamic and flexible. In the words of Theodore Roosevelt, I encourage you to: “Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”

My name is Beatriz Nicolau. I am a consultant, executive & career coach and facilitator. My Purpose is to expand human consciousness through more awareness, understanding of values, beliefs, and by helping individuals reach their full potential. I believe this expansion opens up possibilities for people to trust themselves, live a more fulfilling life and develop strong connections with others.

Why Purpose?

When I think about Purpose, the words that come to mind are connection, values, passion, fulfillment, and depth. Several years ago, when I first started this work, I have to admit I had a really hard time understanding the idea of Purpose. I remember in a coaching training where the subject was “Fulfillment,” I told the facilitator: “How can I connect to my bigger purpose if I feel like my life is full of obligations, responsibilities and tasks?” I continued: “Routine demands around my kids have been exhausting. At work, it is all about pressure, deliverables, results.” I felt really disconnected to anything bigger than just accomplishing those things and checking the boxes, day after day. Finally, I learned and allowed myself to move from 100% thinking to feeling more. From non-stop doing to being more present. And to connecting with the heart when I was too much in my head. 

When we look at the definition of purpose in the dictionary, it can be defined as a noun and as a verb. As a noun, it speaks to “the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.” As a verb, it is to “have as one’s intention or objective.” To me, Purpose is our essence. It is at the deepest core of all of our intentions.  It is the reason to exist and the reason it is worth waking up daily and doing our best. It is deeply connected to our values, which are the things that are most important to us, the guiding principles of our journeys. Values are developed throughout our lives and are based on our experiences, education, family environment, culture, and beliefs. They are so important when we are identifying our Purpose because they are the basis of the work. 

In several areas of my work – coaching, leadership, careers – purpose seems to be always present in the process of human development and growth. There is a lot written out there about Purpose and it has become a subject of great interest in different circles. I was personally inspired by Jomara Fernandes, a Brazilian friend who has this beautiful mission of making our world a place with more purpose. She created the “Purpose Mining Game,” a gamification tool that creates the opportunity for individuals to identify and connect with their purpose in a fun, creative and collaborative way. The game became a tool in my own practice, and can be used by individuals, teams and organizations to explore this fascinating path towards discovering their Purpose. 

Purpose comes with self-awareness and understanding of who we are. It may be expressed as a sentence, a few key words, or emotions that bring us fulfillment and a sense of worthiness to our lives. People may call or connect with Purpose in different ways. Some take it to a more spiritual level, connecting to God’s will or their mission in life. Others may connect to the power of the universe—that energy that moves us in directions that sometimes we are not even sure how it happens.  

And why does it matter? Because having a purpose allow us to be true to ourselves in our work, relationships, and in our decision making process. It helps us to honor our values through behaviors and choices. These apply to small day-to-day decisions such as buying a product versus another, attending a meeting or missing it. Or it applies to major life decisions such as changing careers, having a child, or moving to a new country. 

A misconception about Purpose is that it must be something related to a professional activity that is intended to help people. In that case, the purpose of a psychologist, educator, teacher, coach, or doctor, would be more easily defined and lived, as their work relates directly to helping others on a daily basis. I believe no matter what we do in our lives, if we have a profession or if we are home caring for our children, if we live in a poor country or if we were born in a wealthy family. Our Purpose will always have an impact on other people, since we are all interconnected through humanity. Purpose is like a light, that when it’s on, can shine through many places and have a strong effect and impact on others. 

I worked for many years in the financial services industry in the United States and in Brazil. At the beginning of my career, I had a really hard time connecting with to purpose of the industry in general. I thought everything revolved around money – helping clients earn more, getting higher bonuses, generating profits, and bringing value to shareholders. One day, I attended a town hall with a very senior leader of the institution. He brilliantly explained the impact of the bank’s work beyond making money. He talked about how the bank was impacting education as they provided student loans to many young people around the globe. He talked about how the bank supported families by helping small business owners and entrepreneurs to raise capital and build their lives. He shared the number of job opportunities the bank created that year in several locations, and the impact of that to the economy. He mentioned we were working on some initiatives to reduce the use of paper in our offices and become more environmentally conscious and responsible. He talked about some specific community work the bank was doing with the support of many employees around the world. And on a more personal level, as a leader, he talked about his commitment to help people and teams by giving them opportunities to grow, develop, and accomplish things for themselves (and for the institution).

I will never forget that day. I was finally able to connect to the full Purpose of that organization. I was also able to connect my own Purpose to the Purpose of the place I worked hard for, and to which I dedicated so many hours of my life. From that moment on, my drive, motivation and engagement moved to a whole different level. 

I do not mean banks or other organizations are not interested in making profits. That’s a key goal, otherwise a company cannot exist. However, as the conscious capitalism movement states, we can make profits in a conscious way, being a conscious business. Purpose is one of the four tenets of the Conscious Capitalism, which also include culture, stakeholder and leadership. 

In general, Conscious Capitalism asks business leaders and entrepreneurs to define their purpose and the purpose of the organization, build a stakeholder map describing how value is added for each stakeholder, faster conscious leadership and a conscious culture for their organization.

Whole Foods Market is a great example of a profitable organization adhering to this framework and concepts. On the Purpose front, they state: “Our purpose is to nourish people and the planet. We’re a purpose-driven company that aims to set the standards of excellence for food retailers. Quality is a state of mind at Whole Foods Market.” You feel and see this when you go to a Whole Foods store, by the quality of their products, their value proposition, customer service and the way the staff operates. I love what Raj Sisodia stated in his book Conscious Capitalismon this topic. He says “Purpose is most powerful when it taps into a universal human truth. In other words, it is fully aligned with the higher aspects of what is means to be human.”

I believe when organizations start moving from sharing their mission and vision statements with their stakeholders from a far distance to sharing their higher Purpose at a deeper level, they will break barriers, become more transparent, and allow people to relate to them. That will consequently impact their brand, the ability to attract and engage employees and customers, and bring better results. 

These concepts become even more relevant as we think about the younger generations, whom we know will not work or be loyal customers to an organization where purpose and connection are not present. Despite all technological advancements and the digitalization in the world, these principles will always be important to human beings and organizations. We know work/jobs in the future will be around innovation, creativity and leadership, while other processes and systems will become automated and digital. That makes even more critical to create conscious and purpose-driven cultures and businesses.

Finally, I want to end this article by sharing a brief story of a mailman who lives in a small town in Brazil and is passionate about reading and writing poems. He talked about his purpose in a short video that I recently received from a dear friend. In the video, the mailman shared that in every stack of mail he delivers to a home, he includes an additional piece of paper with a poem written on it. He said something more or less like this: “I see the mailman’s work as a poetic act because we always bring a message to the people. A poem is a message that touches people’s hearts and souls. By sharing poems, I found my own way to make the world a better place.”  He believes that poems do not only exist in books. They can be seen right below our eyes, on the street, in front of us. It depends on how deep we can look into things. To me, this man is an inspiration of passion, connecting to Purpose on a day-to-day basis, and being fulfilled. 

I invite you to become curious and explore your own Life Purpose. There are many ways to do that, and maybe a starting point is to ask yourself questions such as: What are my values? What matters to me the most? What am I passionate about? What do I want to leave as a legacy? If I could guess, what would I say is the reason I exist?

As Brene Brown states in her book Dare to Lead, “Curiosity and knowledge building grow together. The more we know, the more we want to know.” I invite you to dare to know, and start walking on this beautiful path of connecting to your own Purpose!

My name is Beatriz Nicolau. I am a consultant, coach and facilitator. My Life Purpose is to expand human consciousness through more awareness, understanding of values, beliefs, and by helping individuals reach their full potential. I believe this expansion opens up possibilities for people to trust themselves, live a more fulfilling life and develop strong connections with others.

What color are your glasses?

A few weeks ago, when my 6-year-old daughter Isabella entered my car after school and burst into tears when I asked about her day, I realized it was time to stop and be fully present.

Isabella has been a good student, having strong academic performance and an ability to learn very quickly. Fitting the methods and demands of traditional school in the US have been quite challenging for her. When I first read Dr Seuss’s quote at the pediatrician’s office – “Why Fit in when you were born to Stand out”? – I thought…that is just perfect for Isabella! 

That day, when she started crying so deeply, I stopped the car and told her to come to the front with me. We hugged tight and remained in silence for a few minutes. I gave her the space to cry, to relieve her emotions. After reading author and researcher Brene Brown books talk about shame, guilt, parenting and vulnerability, I learned not to “rescue” my kids anymore from their moments of pain. In situations like this, I choose to just stay there with them, respecting what they are going through and in many cases, relating to them. I like to share my own stories (as a child or grown up) of things that hurt me in similar ways. I bring my vulnerability to the table. As we say in leadership and coaching – we meet the person where they are. We stay there, together, until they are ready to move into a new direction. That’s what I did with Isabella that day.

When she calmed down and talked about what happened, I realized Isabella was upset about her teacher, some of her friends’ behaviors, but mostly, she was frustrated with the overwhelming limits imposed to kids of this age in schools. As an “out of the box” girl, Isabella has a hard time being quiet during classroom work, or feels unable to express herself and play more freely at school. That day, the issues were not too concerning to me, but they were important to her. What I love about kids, which ironically I see adults working hard to develop later in life, is their ability to speak from the heart. Kids are authentic, present, and bring courage to speak the truth. Unfortunately, life experiences, pain, judgment from within and from the outer world, somehow impact our ability to maintain our authenticity and self-trust throughout life.

Later that day, I had the intuition of sharing with Isabella something that I strongly believe. I adjusted my words into her language for better understanding. I said:

“Isabella, I have a special secret to share with you today”. She started paying attention with those beautiful brown eyes that are able to focus so deeply when we explain things that interest her. 

I said: “Did you know every person in the world wears invisible glasses daily and in every moment of their lives?” Isabella has been attracted to glasses since two of her close cousins wear them. 

I continued: “Every moment you are alive, you have the chance to choose the color of glasses you want to wear. So I asked: ”What is your favorite color?”

“Pink!”, she said. 

“Ok, so what would it had been like to have worn invisible pink glasses at school today?” I asked.

She said: “Well, I would have felt happy with myself, and not upset with my friends and teacher”. 

“Nice!”, I celebrated, and asked: “And how different would you see them through these glasses?” 

She said: “I would see them pink too! I would have played with them more, I would have been a better listener, I would have had more fun at school today”. 

“Great”, I said. “So what color of glasses do you think you were wearing today”?

Isabella answered strongly: “Black!” 

And we went on discussing how these colors are linked to how she sees other people, her behaviors and the ability to be at her best. We talked about the impact of pink…. the color that brings her joy, softness, connection. We discussed, in her own language, how our experiences could be different if she were to imagine her glasses were pink most of the time. Or any of the rainbow colors – she loves to draw things using rainbow colors, in this exact sequence – red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink.

The next morning, we woke up with a cloudy sky and lots of rain. We were in the car, waiting in line for Isabella to be dropped off at school. We then looked in front of us, there was Officer Manny, a police officer that is in front of the school every day, helping parents and kids on drop off/pick up time, and most importantly, protecting our kids throughout the day in school. Officer Manny was holding his umbrella with one hand, and his coffee with the other. He was smiling to people, helping cars move in the right direction. He did not seem worried about the rain and the fact he was probably very wet for standing there for such a long time. 

Isabella said: “Mom, look at Officer Manny, he is all wet!”. 

So I took that opportunity and asked: “What color of glasses do you think he is wearing?”

Isabella thought about it for a few seconds and said: “Blue, because that’s his favorite color!”. 

And I went: “So how do you think he is feeling now?” 

She said: “He is happy”. 

That morning, we talked about how would Officer Manny’s face and mood be like if he had some black or brown glasses on (colors Isabella is not attracted to). He would be mad about being in the rain, cold (even though we rarely feel cold in South Florida), or upset about this job that requires him to be standing there every day. Instead, he chose to wear blue glasses and enjoy the work he was doing, to be fully present and connected to the kids and parents. We discussed the impact for the kids, arriving at the school and having someone smiling at them, saying good morning in a very warm welcoming way.

The next day I had forgotten about our discussion on glasses. Isabella gets in the car after school and says “Mom, guess what? I had pink glasses on today!” She was happy, smiling, carrying such a positive energy. I cheered for her “Yes!!” and we hugged each other. That was enough and no other words had to be said.

Being a mother has been, by far, the most challenging role I have ever faced in life. No work, client, job or relationship has stretched me as much as motherhood. I am sure this is true for many parents out there, so I don’t feel alone. And yet, it is the most rewarding one! As a parent, I feel the need to be constantly observing myself, aware, learning, changing, and adjusting (pretty quickly sometimes), to be able to teach my kids what I consider to be the right thing, always. In my home, we know the importance of expressing the values that we share as a family through actions and behaviors, and not only through words. Our kids are our mirror, and we can see our strengths and derailers through them, in such a strong way that can be scary sometimes! And yet, we also need to show them our vulnerability, opening ourselves to imperfection, mistakes, and failures. We teach them to love and be loved. We let them witness that our glasses are not always “pink”, but we learn to notice when they are getting too dark, and make a choice to bring beautiful rainbow colors back.

This experience with Isabella made me realize the importance of being AT CHOICE. This is a simple concept, very used in the coaching field, but that we constantly forget about. We give power to others, to the circumstances, to the world out there, instead of focusing on the inside, in our inner strength and power. When it starts from within, when we become more self-aware and bring out authenticity and courage to face both joy and pain, we are able to bring calmness to our hearts, fulfillment, and strengthen connections. And that deep connection with others and the world around us is what keep human beings alive. As Philip Shepherd states in his book Radical Wholeness, “There is no such thing as independence existence. All things exist only through relationship”. To me, Wholeness is one of the key goals of humanity. And as Phillip says, “Every new challenge you meet with wholeness deepens it”.

One approach I use in my practice and life is helping people look and explore different perspectives, related to different topics (i.e.: leadership challenges, a tough job or a difficult relationship, or the career transition one wants to make). I realize the glasses of Isabella are very related to the perspectives and choices of any human being. It is important to stop, stay at the current perspective (“color”), and observe it. Instead of running away, we can ask ourselves: How does it feel to be here? What does it look like? What are some words that I have to describe it? Name it! How is it impacting myself and others around me? How is my body responding to it? And from there, explore new ones, maybe a couple of different “colors”, understanding the pros and cons of each, their meaning and impact. And when we feel connected with one perspective, when we feel in our bodies and mind the place we want to be, then we can make a resonant CHOICE and shift, claiming to ourselves and those around us that’s our (new) place. That includes letting go of what no longer serve us, and incorporating what we want more of in life. That also requires taking action and committing to it!

It is no miracle or magic. When we decide to be at choice, we feel empowered and strong, but there will still be drawbacks. In most cases, we have worn dark glasses for many years in our lives. So slowly, just like Isabella, we become aware of them and make a conscious decision to keep the ones we like the most for longer. And over time, with gentleness and love, these beautiful colors start becoming more of the norm in our day-to-day lives. We are then able to start seeing the world through different lens, creating new possibilities for ourselves and those around us.

References:

Coaching Training Institute (CTI), Coaching & Leadership Programs

Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

Gifts of Imperfect Parenting, Brene Brown

Radical Wholeness, Philip Shepherd

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