A few weeks ago, when my 6-year-old daughter Isabella entered my car after school and burst into tears when I asked about her day, I realized it was time to stop and be fully present.

Isabella has been a good student, having strong academic performance and an ability to learn very quickly. Fitting the methods and demands of traditional school in the US have been quite challenging for her. When I first read Dr Seuss’s quote at the pediatrician’s office – “Why Fit in when you were born to Stand out”? – I thought…that is just perfect for Isabella! 

That day, when she started crying so deeply, I stopped the car and told her to come to the front with me. We hugged tight and remained in silence for a few minutes. I gave her the space to cry, to relieve her emotions. After reading author and researcher Brene Brown books talk about shame, guilt, parenting and vulnerability, I learned not to “rescue” my kids anymore from their moments of pain. In situations like this, I choose to just stay there with them, respecting what they are going through and in many cases, relating to them. I like to share my own stories (as a child or grown up) of things that hurt me in similar ways. I bring my vulnerability to the table. As we say in leadership and coaching – we meet the person where they are. We stay there, together, until they are ready to move into a new direction. That’s what I did with Isabella that day.

When she calmed down and talked about what happened, I realized Isabella was upset about her teacher, some of her friends’ behaviors, but mostly, she was frustrated with the overwhelming limits imposed to kids of this age in schools. As an “out of the box” girl, Isabella has a hard time being quiet during classroom work, or feels unable to express herself and play more freely at school. That day, the issues were not too concerning to me, but they were important to her. What I love about kids, which ironically I see adults working hard to develop later in life, is their ability to speak from the heart. Kids are authentic, present, and bring courage to speak the truth. Unfortunately, life experiences, pain, judgment from within and from the outer world, somehow impact our ability to maintain our authenticity and self-trust throughout life.

Later that day, I had the intuition of sharing with Isabella something that I strongly believe. I adjusted my words into her language for better understanding. I said:

“Isabella, I have a special secret to share with you today”. She started paying attention with those beautiful brown eyes that are able to focus so deeply when we explain things that interest her. 

I said: “Did you know every person in the world wears invisible glasses daily and in every moment of their lives?” Isabella has been attracted to glasses since two of her close cousins wear them. 

I continued: “Every moment you are alive, you have the chance to choose the color of glasses you want to wear. So I asked: ”What is your favorite color?”

“Pink!”, she said. 

“Ok, so what would it had been like to have worn invisible pink glasses at school today?” I asked.

She said: “Well, I would have felt happy with myself, and not upset with my friends and teacher”. 

“Nice!”, I celebrated, and asked: “And how different would you see them through these glasses?” 

She said: “I would see them pink too! I would have played with them more, I would have been a better listener, I would have had more fun at school today”. 

“Great”, I said. “So what color of glasses do you think you were wearing today”?

Isabella answered strongly: “Black!” 

And we went on discussing how these colors are linked to how she sees other people, her behaviors and the ability to be at her best. We talked about the impact of pink…. the color that brings her joy, softness, connection. We discussed, in her own language, how our experiences could be different if she were to imagine her glasses were pink most of the time. Or any of the rainbow colors – she loves to draw things using rainbow colors, in this exact sequence – red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink.

The next morning, we woke up with a cloudy sky and lots of rain. We were in the car, waiting in line for Isabella to be dropped off at school. We then looked in front of us, there was Officer Manny, a police officer that is in front of the school every day, helping parents and kids on drop off/pick up time, and most importantly, protecting our kids throughout the day in school. Officer Manny was holding his umbrella with one hand, and his coffee with the other. He was smiling to people, helping cars move in the right direction. He did not seem worried about the rain and the fact he was probably very wet for standing there for such a long time. 

Isabella said: “Mom, look at Officer Manny, he is all wet!”. 

So I took that opportunity and asked: “What color of glasses do you think he is wearing?”

Isabella thought about it for a few seconds and said: “Blue, because that’s his favorite color!”. 

And I went: “So how do you think he is feeling now?” 

She said: “He is happy”. 

That morning, we talked about how would Officer Manny’s face and mood be like if he had some black or brown glasses on (colors Isabella is not attracted to). He would be mad about being in the rain, cold (even though we rarely feel cold in South Florida), or upset about this job that requires him to be standing there every day. Instead, he chose to wear blue glasses and enjoy the work he was doing, to be fully present and connected to the kids and parents. We discussed the impact for the kids, arriving at the school and having someone smiling at them, saying good morning in a very warm welcoming way.

The next day I had forgotten about our discussion on glasses. Isabella gets in the car after school and says “Mom, guess what? I had pink glasses on today!” She was happy, smiling, carrying such a positive energy. I cheered for her “Yes!!” and we hugged each other. That was enough and no other words had to be said.

Being a mother has been, by far, the most challenging role I have ever faced in life. No work, client, job or relationship has stretched me as much as motherhood. I am sure this is true for many parents out there, so I don’t feel alone. And yet, it is the most rewarding one! As a parent, I feel the need to be constantly observing myself, aware, learning, changing, and adjusting (pretty quickly sometimes), to be able to teach my kids what I consider to be the right thing, always. In my home, we know the importance of expressing the values that we share as a family through actions and behaviors, and not only through words. Our kids are our mirror, and we can see our strengths and derailers through them, in such a strong way that can be scary sometimes! And yet, we also need to show them our vulnerability, opening ourselves to imperfection, mistakes, and failures. We teach them to love and be loved. We let them witness that our glasses are not always “pink”, but we learn to notice when they are getting too dark, and make a choice to bring beautiful rainbow colors back.

This experience with Isabella made me realize the importance of being AT CHOICE. This is a simple concept, very used in the coaching field, but that we constantly forget about. We give power to others, to the circumstances, to the world out there, instead of focusing on the inside, in our inner strength and power. When it starts from within, when we become more self-aware and bring out authenticity and courage to face both joy and pain, we are able to bring calmness to our hearts, fulfillment, and strengthen connections. And that deep connection with others and the world around us is what keep human beings alive. As Philip Shepherd states in his book Radical Wholeness, “There is no such thing as independence existence. All things exist only through relationship”. To me, Wholeness is one of the key goals of humanity. And as Phillip says, “Every new challenge you meet with wholeness deepens it”.

One approach I use in my practice and life is helping people look and explore different perspectives, related to different topics (i.e.: leadership challenges, a tough job or a difficult relationship, or the career transition one wants to make). I realize the glasses of Isabella are very related to the perspectives and choices of any human being. It is important to stop, stay at the current perspective (“color”), and observe it. Instead of running away, we can ask ourselves: How does it feel to be here? What does it look like? What are some words that I have to describe it? Name it! How is it impacting myself and others around me? How is my body responding to it? And from there, explore new ones, maybe a couple of different “colors”, understanding the pros and cons of each, their meaning and impact. And when we feel connected with one perspective, when we feel in our bodies and mind the place we want to be, then we can make a resonant CHOICE and shift, claiming to ourselves and those around us that’s our (new) place. That includes letting go of what no longer serve us, and incorporating what we want more of in life. That also requires taking action and committing to it!

It is no miracle or magic. When we decide to be at choice, we feel empowered and strong, but there will still be drawbacks. In most cases, we have worn dark glasses for many years in our lives. So slowly, just like Isabella, we become aware of them and make a conscious decision to keep the ones we like the most for longer. And over time, with gentleness and love, these beautiful colors start becoming more of the norm in our day-to-day lives. We are then able to start seeing the world through different lens, creating new possibilities for ourselves and those around us.

References:

Coaching Training Institute (CTI), Coaching & Leadership Programs

Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

Gifts of Imperfect Parenting, Brene Brown

Radical Wholeness, Philip Shepherd